[Stormeh]Little did I know

[Masquerade]

Raggedshadow

His eyes glistened softly, thought written clearly on his young-mooned face. The Riverclan warrior sighed, his head hanging in defeat. He was nearing the surface of giving up on trying to be who he was, on trying to keep a clear focus on what he thought. He was losing hope, and it wasn't for the first time, either. Since the day he had been born into this world, he border lined pessimism and optimism. He wasn't too clear on where he stood anymore.

Raggedshadow, as said before, was lost, or losing himself and the firm grasp he held on reality. He didn't know where it was going, or why he was falling so fast, but he knew it was happening. All he wanted was a simple life, to fall in love, to have a family one moon, to fight for and with his clan, to grow old and frail, and then die a happy tom. But, he wasn't so sure if that was happening anymore. The only person he could talk to may not even really care for him, or maybe he was just drawing assumptions from the air again. Maybe he was just going crazy.

He drew in the gentle, leaf-fall scents around him. His eyes focused on the brown and orange leaves still left on the trees, and even those that were yellowing. It was growing colder, that he knew, and it would be leaf-bare soon enough. He could smell the faint prey-trails, and even the little, rare, scents of mice scuttering in the distance. He could hear the faint chirping of birds hidden within the tree tops. How he longed to be one of those birds; to fly as far and high as he ever could. He wished that someone, anyone, would rescue him from this dark place that encased his heart and thoughts, longing for a way out of his cage.

[♦ stormeh ♦]

"Raggedshadow?" Pale green eyes gleamed from the darkness, a small figure barely outlined against the dim moonlight. Sparrowpaw had snuck out of camp; something she often did when she wanted to clear her mind from things like her family and other things. But she hadn't expected to see her mentor out so late at night. Maybe this was a good thing.

"Are you alright?" she asked as she pushed out of the undergrowth and padded up to his side. She sat down next to the larger tom and curled her tail around her delicate paws, looking up at him with concern in her eyes. If anything, Raggedshadow was considered, to her, as another family member who she had to take care of. But this was slightly different. She was genuinely worried about him, since he looked so gloom, which didn't usually occur when she was with him.

Raggedshadow was a nice tom. Well, to her. She had learned that he can be quite rude with other cats he disliked, but she knew it was because he had a temper. He reminded her of her sister, Kestrelpaw, yet Raggedshadow knew how to conceal any negative comments; if he wanted to, at least. But Sparrowpaw didn't mind. It was nice to have someone to talk to, other than family. Sparrowpaw usually liked to talk to Raggedshadow, since she didn't have to worry about being judged or made fun of.

[Masquerade]

Raggedshadow

That voice... It drew him out. It cleared his mind, and without even trying. His head raised, eyes adjusting to the figure near him. The way she said his name was just enough. "Sparrowpaw.." He said softly, the warmth of his heart bringing a small, but noticeable smile to his muzzle. She was his best friend, and the only one who understood.

"I suppose things aren't alright.." He answered, drawing in a slow, shallow breath. He didn't understand why things were falling apart. It had been that way ever since... well.. he lost his family. That's all he could ever say. Sure, other cats had it worse-off than he did, but did that give him a reason to look at every bright side of every detail in life? Now, he wasn't so sure.

He turned his aqua gaze toward the apprentice, who should soon be a warrior anyway, and felt a bit more relieved than he had been. He grew fond of the moments they shared together.

[♦ stormeh ♦]

There's that smile again. The smile that can always make Sparrowpaw feel better. But in this case, it was Raggedshadow that needed to be cheered up - not her. He wasn't usually like this... or maybe he was, when she was with him? The thought worried her. She didn't like to seem him upset like this. Was it something she did? Hopefully not. But the smile he gave her surely showed that it wasn't her. Then what was making him act like this?

"Why would you say that?" she asked quietly, her eyes showing genuine concern for her mentor. Sparrowpaw had been his apprentice for a few moons now, and they've grown to be quite comfortable around each other, so it wasn't uncommon fr them to just go hunt together without meaning to train, or just having a nice conversation while sharing breakfast. Really, sometimes it was even better than spending time with her own family. But for some reason, she didn't really feel guilty about it.

Her eyes sought for any other emotions in Raggedshadow's face, but all she could find was defeat and confusion. She felt a stab of sympathy for the black and white tom. From the looks of it, he had had a pretty tough life. Joining RiverClan certainly must've made it worse. Sparrowpaw wondered if Thistlefire was the one who was behind this, but it didn't seem likely for a single cat to get on Raggedshadow's nerves. Besides, he looked more dismissed than angry.

[Masquerade]

Raggedshadow

He sighed, once again. It was about all he could do to keep from breaking. "Honestly? I'm not so sure.." He answered, eyes sparkling as the tears brimmed in his eyes. He took a deep breath, raising his head to stare out at the stars, his tail laying softly over his large paws. He knew this would be a long story, or that's what he thought at least. He wasn't quite sure.

"When I was young, just born in fact, my mother passed away. I was the youngest of the litter, and there were only two of us..." He began, taking in each twinkling star as if he knew that cat personally. He smiled softly, but it was one that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Gingerkit and I had to be taken in by a she-cat we didn't even know. My mother believed in clan names, and didn't want to see us grow up without them. She wanted us to know pride and life, not failure and heart-break. So when mom died, I didn't know what to do. Not long after that, Gingerkit, my only sister, died too. It was rainy that night, and something was off. After her death, my father carried me a long way, and then dropped me in the reeds; left me there. There, in that territory, I lived until I came to Riverclan camp." Raggedshadow meowed, daring to look at her from the corner of his eye.

He had never told the story to another feline before, let alone a she-cat. He wasn't aiming for her sympathy, just only for her to understand. His ears lowered themselves, only slightly pinning to the top of his skull. "Each day I'm here, I seem to make more trouble, even with only one cat. I'm lost, Sparrowpaw. I'm lost..." He spoke softly, closing his eyes and shaking his large head. He was so unsure, but felt that he couldn't keep things hidden any longer than he had.

[♦ stormeh ♦]

All Sparrowpaw could do was listen in silence, and even anger barely showing in her eyes. It was all so... unfair. Raggedshadow didn't deserve a life like this. A life without a family. A life without knowing who he was, on the inside. But she knew who he was... he was the kind tom who was her mentor. But she knew she couldn't say that, since it would mean nothing to him. She felt so bad for him, and wanted to do something to cheer him up. But how could she, when she didn't even know how?

When Raggedshadow meowed "lost", it made her believe that he really was. If only there was a way to erase all of the pain he felt. Sparrowpaw wasn't thinking when she rested her head on his shoulder. She didn't know how else to comfort him. Maybe he just needed someone to confide in, and she'd gladly offer to be that someone. "You're not lost... you're here in RiverClan, with your Clan mates... with me," she meowed gently, following his gaze up to the stars. The irony of it all.

Sparrowpaw couldn't think of anything else to say, so she just let her words sink into the air, the faint sound of crickets all around them. Would one cat be enough to prove that he wasn't alone? Raggedshadow meant more than just a mentor to her. He was the tom who she enjoyed to spend time with, the tom who listened to her when she felt like talking about her problems, the tom who was there for her when no one else was. If only everyone knew how great a friend he could be. Maybe he wouldn't feel so lonely if they did.

[Masquerade]

Raggedshadow

His breath stopped momentarily, the beating of his own heart loud in his ears. He wondered if Sparrowpaw could hear it as well? His eyes closed at the feeling of her head on his shoulder, immediately comfoted. He smiled softly, a soft purr starting within his chest. He felt something stirring in his stomach; something fluttery and light. It was something new, something he'd never experienced like this before.

"Why do you care so much for a cat like me?" Raggedshadow pondered aloud, now realizing he'd said it until after he'd finished. He could feel the heat rising in his ears, and what he'd said wasn't even that bad! 'I think I'm actually falling for you...' He thought, wondering why he hadn't of said that thought instead. Mentally, he was already kicking himself, and pretty hard, too.

"Well that was a mouse-brained question.." He finally meowed, shaking his head ever so softly. Without thinking, he gently he gently rested his nose on the top of her head, eyes closed. His heart swelled, as if it would burst right from his chest. He knew now, that Sparrowpaw could fill a spot in his life where no other cat could. He wasn't the best cat in the world, he knew that much, but Sparrowpaw was as near perfect as any cat could be. He could confinde in her more than any other cat in the whole territory. He trusted her, enjoyed being with her, and came to the realization that he may even love her.....

[♦ stormeh ♦]

Raggedshadow's question startled her. Why did she care? For once, Sparrowpaw didn't exactly know how to answer this question. She could say that he's nice to her, or how she enjoys to spend time with him, but that wouldn't sound very sincere. How else could she put it, though? Raggedshadow was her friend, her mentor, she even thought of him as the fatherly figure she never had, however, he wasn't like a father to her, but he wasn't like a friend... She couldn't figure out what he was to her.

"I-I..." she trailed off when she felt her mentor's nose rest on the top of her head, and her paws tingled in a strange sensation. With them in a kind of embrace, it was difficult to form words. The tabby apprentice didn't know why. Her mind reeled and her heart was beating unusually fast. "I don't know," she whispered. Half of her felt embarrassed for replying with such an answer, but she didn't know what else to say. It took a moment to register why Raggedshadow had even asked that question, since when he did ask, she was only thinking of how to reply.

Sparrowpaw didn't even know what "care" even meant. Did it mean, care about him as a friend and a mentor, or something more? Things were happening a bit faster than she would've prefered. Now, she just wanted som time alone so she could think about everything that was happening. But part of her didn't want to be alone. She'd been alone for too long... never knowing who her father was, always taking care of her sister, never having any time for herself. Sparrowpaw was more lonely than one would expect.

[Masquerade]

A feeling of discomfort made him shift his paws, removing his nose from her head as he looked down toward his paws. "I... apologize..." He meowed softly, voice barely above a whisper. He didn't know what he was doing, but he wasn't so sure if it was right. He was her mentor, so what was he doing? Why was he feeling in such a way? He was at a loss for words, slipping into complete silence. For the first time since he was a kit.... he was afraid. Afraid of losing the only friend he had, afraid of losing something that meant the world to him. He couldn't go through that again...

'Raggedshadow, you have probably stepped over an invisible line that should have been drawn...' He told himself, not knowing what to say aloud. He begged Starclan for an answer, for even a little hint. His ears lowered, his heart thumping loudly. Something was wrong, something told him he was moving far too fast for anyone's liking. He had to stop where he was. He couldn't just blurt out how he felt. He, of all cats, needed to slow himself down. This was something he had never been used to.

Sure, when he was younger, he would have a tiny little crush on a she-cat that he'd met first when he was a loner. Did that ever escalate into something more? Of course not. He didn't understand love, and love never understood him. They were completely seperate beings, one not even a being at all. He just had no clue.

"If you want.. I can go.." Raggedshadow didn't bother to finish, or even look up. In his eyes, you could clearly see the confusion, but he turned his gaze the opposite direction, trying to keep them from her line of sight. What in Starclan's name was he doing? Should he leave, or should he stay? Did she, or would she, even care for him like he felt for her? He knew, rather something told him, that he needed to keep his mouth shut, and just continue the mentor-apprentice relationship they'd had. But he knew that it would be a bit difficult to keep it hidden for too long....

[♦ stormeh ♦]

Sparrowpaw's heart protested when Raggedshadow pulled away. If only he had stayed like that, for a few moments longer... Wait. What was she thinking? The tabby apprentice had never felt so confused in her life. But there was something else, too, hidden underneath all of her confusion. "I... apoligize..." Well, that was a first. Sparrowpaw had never heard Raggedshadow sound so... broken inside. He didn't have to apoligize for anything, so why was he?

When he offered to leave, something just sparked inside of her. "Don't leave!" she blurted out, burying her nose into his fur. The second the words came out, her eyes widened and she quickly jerked her muzzle away, lowering her gaze to the ground. Why... why did she say that? During that heartbeat, fear had consumed her mind, making her believe, for some reason, that Raggedshadow would leave and never return, just like her father had. She didn't want to lose him. She had no one else to turn to.

"I-I'm sorry," she meowed quietly, before turning and vanishing into the undergrowth. As she padded away from Raggedshadow, her first instinct was to return to him, but she quickened her pace until she was at a sprint. Her heart was racing and a thousand thoughts flooded into her mind. All of them were of Raggedshadow and why everything happened the way they did. And most of all, why she felt so many emotions at once, which something told her, were because of Raggedshadow.

[Masquerade]

He watched her leave.. his heart shattering into millions of tiny pieces that may never be replaced. He could still feel the place where her own nose had been... He turned, throwing himself into the brush behind the place he had been sitting. He ran, and ran, the wind pressing against his face. His breath came in ragged bursts, why? He didn't know. He felt... torn...

The last thing he remembered, that playing his mind, was Sparrowpaw leaving.. So he had left himself. His spirit, well the only spirited part of him, he left sitting there, taking on the saddened, lost tom he had been before. The last thing he would ever remember was her leaving, though he tried to grasp hold on the thought that she would turn around and come sprinting back to him...

But Raggedshadow would not be there, for he left the place without hesitating, thought every muscle cried for him to turn back. He disappeared into camp, not looking back.

[♦ stormeh ♦]

ooc;; closed.